The Sun is gleaming off the airplane wing. I am surprised at how pleasant and substantial the clouds look in the sky. We’ve been in the air for about forty- five minutes. I have several hours before I can call- find out how’re you are doing. I am sending you lots of hugs and kisses and love. I hope you feel it.
Jonathan, you are feeling all this in a very big and strong way, and that can be scary. But, I promise even these big and overpowering feelings will not destroy you. I know how much you love Laurie, and it must not make any sense to you why she did this. I know you wonder what you did wrong. I can’t answer that, and it may be that you did nothing wrong. Being young and being in love isn’t easy. And sometimes feelings can change abruptly for no obvious reason. Be proud of yourself that you love Laurie! It is an important milestone in your life. It is part of being an adult. Congratulate yourself! I am serious.
I know you are going to be fine- Jay. Your dad will stay with you on the phone while he drives home. By now, maybe Suzie or Mike got in touch with you. And Nick will be home soon, too. Ultimately, you will find your own way to feel a little better, but it is nice to have people around you who care about you- who can give you a little love, kindness, and support when you are feeling so very very bad.
People feel hurt, sad, and lonely all the time in life and eventually, the feelings change. Maybe you will feel angry, or regretful, later. Maybe you’ll feel like it is all okay. I can’t say how long it will take to change, but it will feel less strong. Soon, it will weaken and you will feel a little better.
That doesn’t mean that what happened doesn’t matter, or wasn’t real. It is real and it hurts. Everybody hurts at some point in our lives. It is a part of being alive- part of the journey we have undertaken here on this earth- our temporary home.
When you were little you went through a period of time when you were afraid of death and dying. I say death AND dying because we can be afraid of death and not really feel the possibility of our own death. But you did. Often, before going to sleep you would say something about it. Of course, I would reassure you about it, and you would soon fall asleep. Do you remember that?
I couldn’t help but wonder back then about your temperament. Were you going to be an anxious or scared child? How would you be when you grew up? I was a young mother then and was still learning about these things myself (and still am- that doesn’t stop). I had only my experience to go by, but your fears seemed to last a little longer and run a little deeper. I was afraid you were going to be an emotionally fragile child. Afraid that you would break easily, and all that it implies. I didn’t know then, what I know now about how feelings work.
Now, I myself was (and still am) emotionally fragile. I am scared of many things. Most of all, I am afraid of losing the people I love. There are many ways to lose people you love- having them leave you is just one. All are terrifying and unfathomable and seemingly bottomless. That is a fact. It is immutable.
But! I have lived many years, and maybe a life or two, who knows? And I have learned a thing or two. What I have learned is that people who feel things strongly are the very best people, because of this very thing. Because of how strongly they feel pain and joy, and because of these strong emotions, they themselves are very strong. Very strong. So are you. And you will only grow stronger my dearest boy. That too is a fact.
You are very loved and very precious to me and your father. And to your grandparents and your aunts and uncles.
I hope you are feeling a little bit better.
Odds, Ends, Beginnings. 